Sodapop's Guilt
by UglyBettyForeverandEver
Summary: Sodapop's take on the experience of, well, everything. R & R :


I woke up today feeling emptier than ever. I fell asleep in the hospital chair next to Darry's chair and across from Pony's bed. I remember crying again after Ponyboy called for Mom and Dad. Darry just pushed my hair back, looked into my eyes, and told me to sleep. I didn't think it was possible, but as soon as my head touched the back of the chair, I was out.

_(Dream Sequence)_

_ "Sodapop, Sodapop, ooh Soda Soda Soda Sodapop!" Sandy's voice sang. I stumbled around in darkness, feeling around for her. _

_ "Sandy, Sandy! Where are you?" I cried. Her voice became more and more distant and soon, her voice vanished. I broke down and fell to my knees. I felt something pulling at my clothes so I tried to yank myself from the invisible being. I must be blind, everything is so dark. _

_ "Stop! Stop it!" I cry. My jacket is off. I start throwing random punches. I hear a deep throaty laugh behind me. It isn't one I recognize. _

_ "Don't worry 'bout it Soda, I got your back," I hear Dally's voice say. _

_ "No! Dally! Stop!" I sob, not sure why I'm telling him to stop. I hear punching and I hear someone fall. "Dally?" _

_ "It's okay, Sodapop, I'm right here!" Dally's voice says, and I feel his hand gripping my shoulder. I feel it slowly disappearing._

_ "Dally…Dally…you're dead…why are you dead!" I scream. Then there's light, but I wish it was still dark. Now I can see everything. Johnny's on the floor covered in blood and burns, Dally's dead on the floor, Ponyboy's unconscious, and Sandy's just sitting there cross-legged._

_ "Sandy, Sandy babe. Answer me," I whimper, crawling over to her. She doesn't answer. I kiss her and she looks straight into my eyes._

_ "You know Sodapop," she says with her sweet twangy voice. "You gotta learn to let go. I know it's hard; it took a lot to let go of you. But then I realized it was for the best. We both need to start over. You need to get on with your life. It wasn't your fault that Dally or Johnny died and it isn't your fault that Ponyboy is sick. You need to help them but more importantly…you need to help yourself." _

And then I woke up. Although Sandy's words had been true, it did make me feel empty. I missed her, she made me feel complete. Two of the gang members were dead. Pony was sick. It _was _my fault that Pony was sick. I didn't watch him carefully enough.

"Soda…" I heard Darry croak softly. I turned my head and saw Darry's sunken eyes on me. "I'm goin' to get some breakfast, you want somethin'?"

"Get me some chocolate milk. Bacon if they have any. I doubt they'll have the cake, but if they do, get me a slice." I requested. Without another word, Darry left. I looked at Ponyboy. I stood up a pushed his hair back, feeling his head.

"Sodapop…" he muttered. He repositioned himself. His eyes cracked open. "Sodapop?"

"Yeah, Ponyboy? You alright? You need the doc?" I asked worriedly. He barely wakes up. When he does, he needs something.

"Naw," he coughed. "I wanted to see you." I smiled and kissed his forehead.

"Now don't you worry bout a thing, you hear me? Darry and I will be here. Your job is to get better," I said to him, blinking back tears. His face was pale white and stone cold. I did this to him! I know I did!

"I know Soda, I know. I'm trying. Am I dyin' Soda? Am I dyin'?" he moans and winces in pain as he turns his head towards me. I run the back of my palm down his cheek and let a few tears fall down my face.

"You ain't dyin' Ponyboy. You'll be fine, ya hear me? You'll be fine!" I spat, getting angry at myself.

"Hey, Soda…I ain't letting you blame yourself for this. This is my fault…I was irresponsible and I deserve this."

"You don't deserve this, you don't deserve nothin' bad." I argue, tears pouring down my cheeks. "This is my punishment. I didn't stand up for you enough, I didn't watch out for you!" I buried my face in my arms and sobbed. I felt a light touch on my head.

"Soda, stop. You're only hurting yourself." Ponyboy coughed. I shook my head.

"You're sick. Go back to sleep." And just like that, Pony was asleep. I sat back in my chair, wiping away tears.

I felt guilty for everything. _Everything. _

Now where was Darry with that food?


End file.
